Adding fitness in my life

I've had an on/off relationship with fitness for the last nine years of my life, where I either have some form of fitness/exercise program going on or I don't and wish I did. The first real effort I put into exercise was occasionally going to the gym with mother and brother on Key Biscayne, followed by enrolling in judo classes at the university in the Autumn of 2002. At the time I was eighteen or nineteen years old. I suspect that the major catalyst for my sudden interest for fitness was my coming to terms with myself as a gay man and recognizing that my interests in the male body (those of others as well as my own) were healthy and worthwhile. I no longer had to agonize over my enjoyment of it and could instead embrace it, figuratively and literally.

Prior to this, I had an active disinterest in sports. I was determined to not like them, partly due to childish arrogance, a much greater interest for creative and imaginative hobbies (including video and computer games), and a sense of disappointment with my father's failed efforts to engage my brother and myself in sports (failed due to his mercurial manic-depression, where he'd initiate a sports project and then withdraw from it). I enjoyed semi-sports with friends (playing for the social and gaming aspects rather than athleticism), but I did not have the drive or desire to join a children's sports team. I also enjoyed playing sports digitally, whether it was baseball, soccer, or tennis. Digital sports have a significant advantage over real-life sports in having everything ready for you at the push of a button. At no point did I have to look for the necessary equipment, check whether the equipment needed maintenance, get ahold of friends, and get myself somewhere else to play the particular sport (all of which also depends on how fair the weather is at the time); everything was conveniently available to me in box that required little maintenance, little space, and few weather-related limits (the one limit being lightning storms).

It didn't help that some of my physical education teachers were distant (or at least seemed like they were in my hindsight). From what I recall, I believe their focus was on the students who were already good at athletics rather than getting the group as a whole or on improving the weaker elements. Of course, this may just be a self-serving hindsight narrative that I am unable to disregard due to a lack of specific, positive memories in relation to gym class.

This speaks in part to my goals with fitness. With the exception of hypothetical emergency or apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic situations, I care little about my athleticism and how fast I run some specified distance. For me fitness is about looks, about vanity, and the desire to "feel like a million bucks" (a phrase that sounds awfully prostitutional in this context). Bodybuilding holds little appeal to what I want out of my life and my self-image does not yet require or care for achievements of the "I've run a marathon" / "I've done a triathlon" type. I just want to look better, to achieve the kind of appearance that brings positivity to a room (and that makes hooking up more mutually enjoyable, at least so far as feeling I'm contributing to the overall sexiness).

However, vanity is still fairly low on the totem pole of my priorities and does not take precedence over such things as reading and enjoying cake. I will add fitness to my life, but I will not live a life of fitness. I will enjoy chocolate, cake, rice pudding, ice-cream, carb-laden foods, and more. Flavours and tastes, both savory and sweet, are (to me) part of the point of being a living, sensing being. To discard them without due cause is to waste part of what life offers us.

This doesn't mean that all calories are equal in this matter. Part of my recent thoughts on the matter include the idea that "I won't count my calories; I will make my calories count!" Not all sugary treats are worth the indulgence (depending on an individual's tastes and preferences) and eating sweets is not an end in itself; the end is to enjoy life's offerings.

I think I'll wrap this up on that note. I initially intended to write about my current efforts at adding fitness in my life, my encounters with my addiction to convenience and how it conflicts with much available fitness material, and how to just get on with exercising. That will have to wait until the next entry.