Roleplaying preparations (Exalted)

In addition to preparing myself for (what I hope will be) my school attendance this Autumn, I'm also preparing myself for the possibility of trying out a roleplaying system I have not yet played.

White Wolf's Exalted roleplaying game is an animé-, Far East mythology-, and wuxia-inspired rules-system where player characters start off and remain powerful figures compared to the vast majority of mortals. The basics of the system itself and the feel of it are similar to White Wolf's World of Darkness system, where players generally also play characters (vampires, werewolves, and other supernatural creatures) that are significantly more powerful than the people around them. However, the atmosphere of Exalted is much brighter than the WoD systems and is more heroically inclined (though with classical heroic tragic flaws).

Because I haven't played it before and don't have anyone in my immediate area who has played it (I have some friends who meet at the university who have played it, but I haven't met with them in months), I am trying to really learn the ruleset on my own. To do so, I am using a technique similar to the one I'm using for my academic studies; in effect, I am studying Exalted as a game and setting. The "technique" is pretty much detailed reading combined with outlining/note-taking.

It's actually a nice change-of-pace from the more casual and incidental reading I usually do when checking out roleplaying rules and materials. I am making sure I pick up the details of the game's structure, which will be useful should I ever play it as a player or run it as a "Storyteller" (White Wolf's designation for the game referee). It will also help me in teaching others how to play it should that become a possibility.

I don't know whether I will have use for it, other than as an exercise (one that's more pleasurable than studying and note-taking on research methodologies). Even so, it's a habit I enjoy trying out.

More comments on Battlestar Galactica

Some comments I've made on Facebook regarding Battlestar Galactica, a continuation on what I said in the previous post (When TV shows go bad):

One of the plot twists that really bothers me is how Nualla suddenly falls in love with Apollo, pretty much cheats on and dumps Billy the Cutie, and then gets over Billy's death-by-shot-to-arm-and-shoulder and hooks up with survived-a-gunshot-through-my-left-lung Apollo within a month. She goes from adorable sweetheart to "You bitch!" in a handful of episodes.

To me the difference was, at least in terms of the callgirl episode, too striking. It made me think that a space noir series would be cool (along the lines of the Tex Murphy game series; oh, how I love Under a Killing Moon), but also that it really didn't fit with what had already been established in the series. It made the fleet feel more like a gritty city and the President feel like the Mayor (with Admiral Adama as the Chief of Police/Commissioner) rather than the last hope of humanity.

I think I would have enjoyed the branching into space noir more if they introduced a new character or highlighted a regular extra as the detective. Giving Apollo that role felt awkward. If it had been someone new, it would have introduced a new archetype into the series that could be called on in future episodes (an inquisitor or independent investigator).

I would have preferred the Scar side-story if Scar's legend had built itself in front of the viewers over a couple or a few episodes. His sudden legend felt shoehorned into Kara's character-development episode.

When TV shows go bad

What do you do when a TV show you're enjoying takes a turn for the worse? Do you stick with it to bitter end? Give it a shot till the end of the season? Half-assedly watch it while checking out other programming? Check out the story development/reviews before investing more time? Dump it?

I have dumped a few shows that I've invested myself into. I quit Lost shortly after the second season convinced me that the writers had no plan for the show and were just bullsh*tting as they went along. I refused to watch any more Dexter after its terrible first few episodes of the fifth season due to the de facto retconning of the series. I gave up Avatar: The Last Airbender after a handful of episodes (I'm considering checking out a few more, if just to see if there are any ideas worth salvaging from it for my creative side). I wouldn't have followed along with Heroes after the first episode if I hadn't received the first two seasons on DVD (unlike many others, I thought the show was a mess beginning with its very first episode).

Part of the difficulty with TV shows is that they seem to be usually intended to last for as long as they remain more worthwhile for their producers than the expected returns of another show. The show's makers also face a potential conflict-of-interest between a possible desire to write a well-written show, the desire for a return on their production and an income for themselves and everyone involved, and the demands of the show's producers and distributors (as well as standard practices regarding season lengths, episode lengths, and appealing to casual viewers).

These days, my brother and I are watching the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica [SPOILER ALERT}. We're on the second season and just finished up an arc of bad episodes, beginning with the out-of-the-blue attempt at space noir with "Detective" Adama, followed by Starbuck's oh-I-really-do-love-that-possibly-dead-guy crisis (these two episodes are also marred by flashback narratives), then the atrocious Billy-must-die-so-Nualla-and-Apollo-can-hook-up episode, and concluded with the incompetent-new-commander-must-make-grave-mistake-then-die-in-self-sacrifice-rather-than-face-court-martial episode. They were just wretched and none of them have a lasting emotional impact other than the urgent desire to wash them from memory. They also reek of filler material, prompting my brother to wonder whether they're result of the lengthened season (Season One consists of thirteen episodes while Season Two consists of twenty episodes).

We will still watch, at least through Season Two. We'll probably continue with the rest, assuming that this Arc of Awfulness is an exception rather than a new rule for the BSG series.

Hellevik (2002) - Chapter one

Control questions:

• Give examples of empirical questions you would be interested in finding answers for.

Do inmates of privatized prisons have a higher recidivism rate than inmates of publicly-driven prisons?
Do states with legalized same-sex marriage have higher divorce rates among their heterosexual marriages than states that do not feature legalized same-sex marriage?
Would the United States' Social Security program have retained solvency if its surplus had been invested into a sovereign wealth fund?
Is same-sex marriage/equal marriage implicitly guaranteed by the United States' federal constitution?
Are infection rates of sexually transmitted diseases higher in states that mandate either abstinence-only sex education or emphasis on abstinence as part of their sex education than in states that do not include such a mandate?


• What are the central tenets for empirical research?

The research should correspond to reality; while an emphasis on research's correspondance with the material reality might not always be in vogue, it is currently in fashion and serves the purpose of affecting change in our real condition.
The research should be meticulous in its use of data, with the researcher taking care to seek valid/sustainable (repeatable) conclusions, that the conclusions follow from the research and that the research corresponds to real conditions.
The researcher should take care to not cloud the research with prejudice or predetermined desires for particular results or conclusions.
The research should add to the cumulative body of empirical research, drawing on and either supporting or detracting from general social theory.
[the ones I forgot]
The research should draw on a systematic (non-arbitrary) choosing of data.
The research conclusions should be presented so as to allow external control, checking, and critiques.


• Find examples of questionable presentation of opinion polls in media.

In general, political pundits and media personalities abuse approval and disproval polls; they take polls and tack on a explanation without accounting for the explanation without presenting any kind of research to back up the story. Their explanation inevitably backs up their preconceptions of what the poll's population should think. These preconceptions do not necessarily stem from the reporters' own political biases; they may instead stem from predominant socio-political narratives.
Specific examples of this can be found in the United States, where the predominant narrative is to assume that the US is a centre-right nation, that persons not affiliated with either of the two major political parties (signified with the term "Independents") desire moderation and compromise over political decisiveness, and that the two major political parties, the Democratic Party and the Republican Party, represent the two edges of political spectrum, left and right, respectively. This narrative colors the interpretation of polls in the mainstream media and is frequently referred to without questioning its assumptions.


• In what ways do you think you will have use for an understanding of research methodology?

The most immediate way I will use for this understanding is for my classes. Understanding (at least the basics of) research methodology will allow me to properly formulate my research papers, make informed judgments on the research material I choose to use, and critically review my own work as well as the work of my classmates. It will also help in my review of the curriculum and my evaluations of what parts of the curriculum readings provide the more cogent points/perspectives.
I may also have use for it in future work opportunities, where I may have to perform research or evaluate options for myself, my work, or my exployer.
It could also be useful when choosing who I will vote for, reflecting on why I want to vote for a particular candidate, and receiving reports on how elected politicians (both the ones I vote for and the ones I don't vote for) are performing.
Should I choose to have children, this understanding will also be useful when explaining the world to them and backing up my explanation with durable proof.

Vocabulary
Empirical data - data/information that corresponds to our shared material / social reality

Methodology - means of how a researcher can collect, treat, and analyze data

Quantitative methods - means of research that primarily systematically gathers comparable data on multiple research subjects of a certain kind, then expresses these data in through numbers, and then finally analyze patterns within the numbers

Qualitative methods - means of research where the researcher embeds herself/himself into and conceives of a pattern through a multitude of sensory impulses

Truth criteria - the means by which the researcher decides what is true or accurate for the research; these will not necessarily hold empiricism as the primary truth and instead hold philosophical, moral, or social values as the primary truth (for example, that all humans are created equal)

Checking - the means by which researchers (both the original and external) validate or invalidate the research's consclusions

Cumulative research - an effort by researchers to build upon each other's research, enabling further specification and continued validity for the research that passes external checks

Worrying and hoping

It's nice having something to look forward to. Reapplying for school gives me a sense of purpose that it lacked both previous times. I hope this new sense is a good omen for the months to come; I don't need further obstacles to block the path between myself and my desires. It would also be nice to be successful at school again; it's been years since I last felt I had real control over my academic career.

I fear one problem though: will I be able to return to school? Specifically, will I be re-admitted to the program I failed and left? I don't know what the Political Science's re-admittance protocol is like or if there are any problems given my prior academic history with the department. I would like to re-take the courses I took yet did not complete the last time I attended the university.

Whatever I do in terms of this research, I must make sure to apply within the deadline. At some point, the application will be out of my hands and all I can do will be to hope.

Some intended upcoming posts

As I prepare myself for my return to academia, I will be reading and re-reading course material so that I have a running start. As part of my reading and notetaking, I am thinking of posting my notes on this blog; the idea is that this will push me toward rethinking about and rewriting the course readings in order to explain them as best I can to any potential readers of this blog. A secondary idea is that my paraphrasing and summarizations could be of use to readers who have not taken the courses I am going to take.

I am starting off my re-education with Ottar Hellevik's Research Methodology in Sociology and Political Science. It is thus far an overview of types of research methodologies, broadly separated into quantitative (number-based, "hard" data) methodologies and qualitative (person/narrative-based, "soft" data) methodologies; the book will focus on the former methodologies and include statistical analysis. The information itself is useful outside of school as it enables a student to critically analyze the everyday data we so often accept without further review.

***
Beyond these practice summaries, there are other topics I'd like to explore. I'll list some, if only just to be able to refer back to this list should I ever draw a blank on what I should blog about.

• further discussion on Libya, in light of the recent setbacks for the Revolutionaries


• my rational preference for civilian structure in light of now regularly watching Battlestar Galactica


• space opera and the overabundance of space shows focused on military characters and situations rather than civilian space drama


• frustrations as a USAmerican voter over the lack of guts and vision within the party that's closer to my political perspective


• fictional characters, situations, and settings I'd like to explore through fiction

If you have any topics you'd like for me take on and discuss, let me know either on here or via Facebook.

New direction in my life

I am working on a significant decision these days and realigning my life's aim. On my own, in response to my current situation, I have made the decision to re-apply for school. This will be my third attempt at graduate school, but the first time I decide on it on of my free and open will. The first attempt was simply timely filler to attend to while looking out for my brother while he went for his Bachelor's degree. The second attempt was a misguided effort following my first job and following the directions of both my former employer and my mother.

One major drive is that for years, I have been ashamed of my failure at graduate school. This shame is not simply a defeat, but a response deeply rooted in who I am and how I identify myself. School, learning, and curiosity are my life. Yes, I have a satisfactory personal life outside of school, but gawds how I love the information management within school. Reading, responding, and creating are among the activities I do best.

My failure at these is rooted in multiple sources, including being raped, being insecure, and being genuinely inexperienced. These latter two sources were compounded with my desire for delivering what would be, in my opinion, beautiful work, leading to perfectionist mental crisis where I could idealize, but not realize, any real work. The first mentioned source brought a violent end to my belief in the worthwhileness of effort; it made me forcibly realize that no matter what good I did, someone else could always take it from me or even end me if they so wished. This realization proved dangerous to my sense of self and in a misguided attempt at protecting myself, I let myself and my work go; I let school, my results, not matter. Of all my apparent choices at the time, this may have been the best choice, however misguided it was; it allowed me to work through and deal with my trauma rather than post-pone it, something I feared would have had more explosive consequences given my creative side's partiality toward homicide as a means of drastic change.

Because of my shame, I have been unwilling to confess or share the absolute shittiness of my academic record since January 2005 with anyone. I have not told the extent of it to anyone and remain disinclined toward doing so even now. It is my burden, it is my problem, and I am the one who needs to fix it and myself.

***
My recent resurgence on this blog with daily entries thus far this month is part of my effort toward regaining my academic self. Here I now write with the goals of coherent writing and a daily average amount of words, in preparation of writing, completing, and handing in papers when I return to school. The blog is also public and, though few will read it, it is open (or I think it is open) to comments and judgments from whoever cares to provide them. I am freeing myself to writing publicly, a most necessary skill when writing as part of a class setting.

Desire, obstacles, and suffering

It is not desire that brings suffering, but rather the distance between our present condition and our desired condition that causes our suffering. This is why sudden obstacles so easily bring us down; the new obstacles increase the apparent and/or real distance we need to cross before we achieve our desire and prolong our apparent/real suffering. The most productive way we can deal with these obstacles is by making sure that they are real obstacles (rather than merely the appearance of such) and by working out how we can most efficiently deal with them, shortening whatever distances they have added between us and our goals.

The US and Libya

Libya's revolution has hit a significant obstacle in Gadhafi and his loyalists, who will seemingly not shy away from any available means for retaking control of what they deem their personal fiefdom. If the rumors and reports are to be believed, he and his coterie are using the state military to outright (as opposed to indirectly and involuntarily) attack the Libyan population as both a show of might and as a source of deterioration and attition of the revoutionary leadership. Mass violence, summary executions, and the use of human shields are some the examples being reported abroad.

Invoking the ideal of the United States as vanguard and protector of human liberty, some now call on the US to take action in Libya. While similar calls were made during Egypt's uprising against its former dictator Hosni Mubarak, the calls have intensified in magnitude and intensity due to the extensive state terrorism and repression in Libya by the Gadhafi regime. However, much as I love the idea of humanity rising in unity against tyranny, I believe the US should restrain itself and not invade Libya (at least not yet), even if it came with the authorization of the UN Security Council or NATO.

This moment, this struggle, belongs to the Libyan people. It is their fight. They are the protagonists in this current story. Our role should be and should remain that of support in favor of the factions supporting greater socio-economic and political liberty; we should provide humanitarian assistance, material support, moral and ideological support, and possibly tactical input, but we should not lead the charge against their oppressor. If we take leadership in the war itself, we morally obligate ourselves to take leadership after the war; we should avoid both, for the sake of our own limited resources and to prevent any post-war dependencies that would hinder (a hopefully liberated) Libya from becoming and independent nation-state.

There are limits to this deference, of course; should the Gadhafi regime take on monstrous counter-measures (not simply executions, but mass genocide) we have obligated ourselves by our unfortunately-often-broken promise of "never again." In this hypothetical case, inaction would stop being prudence in favor of the Libyan people and instead become passive complicitness with the regime.

Another potentially necessary condition for US intervention is for some recognizable organization among the revolutionaries to explicitly request US/international assistance. Simply assuming such an interest or intervening in response to the calls of the group with little legitimacy provides too little legitimacy to the idea that it is the Libyan people that want the US there for protect them from an unwanted dictator. If the US is to invade and intervene, it must first secure a degree of recognizable credibility with the Libyan people. Until then it should continue its efforts to support the refugee population and to provide the revolutionaries with material and moral support (as long as they fight for liberalizaton of the people and their system).

While we should be willing and preferably always be able to assist fellow humans in the cause of civil freedoms, we must always temper ourselves and our actions both so that we do not coup a movement that belongs to the true revolutionaries and so that we do not take on the world's problems instead of dealing with our own. Part of the liberal democratic nation-state is the domestic movement to end authoritarianism and install democraticism.

International Women's Day

Today is/was International Women's Day, a day dedicated to recognizing women's struggle for opportunities and acknowledgments equal to those of men. As with most, if not all, minority groups, women suffer from unequal opportunities and recognition due to a chauvinistic and self-important worldview by the majority group (in this case, men of all nationalities, religions, and philosophies).

The most striking feature of this disparity is the violence women suffer at the hands and dictates of men who presume ownership over them. These men seek to numb women to their personhood, making women into objects they can possess rather than respect. They assume that women exist to serve men and that this service entitles men to do with women as they please. In doing so, they reveal their immaturity as human beings: disrespecting women and failing to acknowledge and entitle women with the full vestments of human individualism hurts not only the women, but the men, the children, and the society at large. A nation that subjugates its women fails to fulfill its social, economic, and technological potential, regardless of how strong it is while artifically limiting half of its potential workforce.

The second and more insidious feature of this disparity is the paternalism women suffer at actions of "concerned" father figures. These men seek to control women under the guise of protecting women. They do this by establishing social norms and passing laws that limit women freedoms; examples include the purdah, a code wherein women are not allowed to leave the household without the accompaniment of a male relative, and restrictions on abortion argued on the basis that women can't or shouldn't have to be able to (due to potential emotional distress) choose whether to end their pregnancies. They claim that women (adult females) are ultimately fragile creatures that must be protected from the harshness of the world, particularly other men (while never questioning whether they themselves are the men women should be getting the Hell away from); in reality, this feature is sexual fascism in the name of chivalry. And, dear readers, Father Fascist does not know best, either for himself or others.

There are many other, more specific ways men (and their women supporters; many women are heavily invested in the rule of men over women) subjugate and diminish women. However, most of these means come back to men either claiming ownership of women or claiming to know what is best for women (regardless of the input of women). Unfortunately, we cannot simply rely on others to improve the situation and ensure the full and equal participation and recognition of all humans; even the liberal fantasy of our ancestors that full legal equality would lead to equal social equilibrium has shown itself to be wrong.

To establish and ensure equality we must speak, we must act, and we must remain.

Questions for Rumsfeld

My questions for former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld (suggested on the comments section of Piers Morgan Tonight's Facebook posting for the interview):

1. Why did the Bush administration continue to press the idea that Hussein was stockpiling weapons of mass destruction when the Chief UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix continued to show and rightly express that Hussein had no such weapons (and when the administration itself knew it had no substantive proof, only its [incorrect] gut feeling)?

2. What vision does he have for the United States and how did he work toward achieving that vision during his time within the Bush administration? How has he worked toward it since his (forced) resignation from the administration?

3. Does he see no threat toward American civil liberties in the security theater he helped establish?

4. What is the point of "saving" our civil liberties (our "freedoms") if we must give them up for an indeterminate future? How did Al-Qaeda threaten our civil liberties, with exception of the freedom of live?

Annexing my father's office

It has been about three weeks since I claimed my father's office as my new bedroom. I claimed it because my then-bedroom was the crappiest room in the house: it's the smallest room (barring my parents' bathroom) and it's tucked away in the basement, right by the entry to the garage. I've dubbed it the Cinderella room.

Unlike Cinderella, I was not content with simply doing my duties and hoping for an eventual improvement. I could also justify claiming my father's office as he himself just used it as a dumping ground for his stuff and let it look awful on a regular basis (this was a problem as the room is right next to the main entrance and is highly visible to guests that drop in for a visit). The big challenges were getting his office furniture out of the room, installing my "new" bed (a queen-size bed I hadn't used in years because my then-bedroom was too small), and setting up the treadmill next to the bed.

I was fortunate in not knowing how much worse it would be once I got the detail work. The initial claiming of the room and moving in the major furniture pieces were fairly easy compared to my current mass-sortation. In taking over my father's area, I think it's only right that I fully extract myself from what will now be his new office. However, this requires much more organizing than I originally thought. It's one thing to move and place a single, large piece of equipment/furniture and a completely other to go through mixed papers, books, drawer contents, and knick-knacks, sort them, and then pack them or place them throughout the room in a sensible manner. Currently I have some significant piles I need to go through as well as boxes filled with a variety of stuff I will not throw away.

Dealing with my stuff is a confrontation I'd enjoy to not have. It would be (or I fantasize that it would be) delightful to slim down my own room as I have done elsewhere in the house; there I packed much in boxes and set them out for storage. I do not have the same luxury in this case.

Control freakiness

I have my systems. These systems are quasi-logical. Explaining them to others requires too great of an effort to ever be worthwhile.

Or at least that's one way I can describe my control freakiness. As long as I have or take responsibility and authority, I take (or try to take) control of my situation. I try to take control of all aspects of my situation. Because of this, I am unwilling to delegate work to others; inevitably, they will fail to fulfill my incommunicable vision and leave me resentful of their well-intended efforts (a resentment they probably do not deserve). I cannot rely on others to put in the effort I imagine I would put into the current project/process (it is not about the effort I would put in, but the one I think or hope I would put in; their actual effort would suffer a potentially lop-sided comparison with my effort fantasy).

This either contrasts with or explains part of why I also have a strong submissive side. If someone else claims overarching authority and responsibility, I am freed from having my vision and having to fulfill that vision on my own (due to my distrust of or disappointment at the efforts of others). There are situations where this won't do, such as when I establish my personal space (i.e. my bedroom), but my mother usually has strong enough opinions to enable this side of me.

Unfortunately, this conflict becomes infuriating when I am working for someone else and they have an unclear vision (or are unable to communicate it to me). I begin imagining how I would want the project done, a vision that may conflict with the vague vision of my taskmaster. This conflict builds resentment as I am likely to consider my vision more competent, more worthwhile than the vision of the other person.

White space

Have you ever noticed how white space causes your mind to go blank, completely devoid of definable thought? It as if the mental mirroring we experience when reading occurs even when there's nothing to read; instead of reflecting text, we reflect the void.

Alternatively, we could call it a figurative version of snow blindness. Or is it a literal version? Does textual white space trigger the same or similar functions vast amounts snow trigger?

re: Entitlement theory

This is in response to Biff Boswell's request for input regarding his class assignment to come up with a new criminological theory/hypothesis.

Your Entitlement hypothesis (it has to be tested before getting dubbed a theory) proposes that people or some people engage in criminal behavior due to a perception that they are entitled to certain rights, privileges, or property. The criminal behavior consists of taking or claiming these entitlements by force. This is a subset of Social Learning Theory/Differential Association Theory (Sutherland), the overarching theory that criminal behavior is learned (as opposed to being biologically or psychologically innate, a series of rational choices, innevitable class conflict, or a response to social control).

Some input:

What is your definition of force (physical, psychological, economic, social)?

An important distinction you need to make is whether the "entitlement" is socially valid; for example, if regulating authorities shut down your Internet presence, would your sense of injustice fall into this category of entitlement? Are all assumed rights and privileges entitlements?

When is the protesting group criminal and when is the authority that provokes the group criminal (as the authority sees itself entitled to remove rights, privileges, and property)? Do authorities have responsibilities in terms of their agreements with the non-authorities/people?

For your examples of your Entitlement hypothesis, you write Greece, the UK, and Wisconsin. What parts of these three are you thinking of, specfically?

Does your hypothesis consider all protests criminal? Are there any forms of non-criminal protest given your hypothesis?

Can any rights or privileges be assumed, or is claiming any by force a criminal action (the latter would put any forceful civil liberties movement, including the American Revolution, into the criminal category)?

More fitness blagging

I phrased myself poorly in the last entry. "Going against the grain" is an overly indulgent phrase, one that invokes the image of the heroic figure standing up against waves of opposition. My current approach to fitness, KIRS (Keep It Reasonably Simple), has no real opponents; all it can come up against is that other people probably favor their own approaches (whether by merits of simplicity or merits of complexity). It is my job to develop an approach that fits my goals and that is sound enough that I do not abandon it at the slightest critique.

Fat loss is but part of my goal. I train with weights because the physique I desire requires them. Imagewise, I'm aiming for more of a Men's Health build than a Runner's Digest build. I don't want to be thin; I was thin for about twenty years of my life (until I experienced regular visits to the university's buffet-style cafeteria) and I want something else for my current and future self.

I am trying out different approaches (as mentioned in the previous entry: weight training, cardio, and judo strikes) and will see where they lead me and how I respond to them.

***
While the idea of simplifying my workout has been with me for some time, it really struck me a couple of months ago when I met a former colleague on the way to town. He is a well-built fellow, muscled and well-proportioned. We talked about his interest to become a personal trainer and during our conversation I brought up the amount of fitness/exercise reading material I've collected over the years. He responded that he had none.

It's like some cartoon where the contrast invokes an ironic humor: Guy A, who is not well-built yet has (and has read) loads of fitness reading material, meets with Guy B, who is very well-built and yet has little if any fitness reading material.

This encounter hammered in the point: sculpting one's body is about physical effort over time, not voracious and minute study. I already knew this, but in some way I didn't "know" this; something had to click, and this release of "Oh f*ck, have I ever gone about this the wrong way..." brought that click.

That's the gist of what I have to say to over-thinkers who preempt themselves from exercise due to the vast amount of info they think need to consider: ignore most of it and just get on with some kind of physical activity. Ignore concerns about the "maximum weight" you can lift and of being in "the zone" heart rate. Learn the basics and enough to avoid injury and from there on take in only as much as you find use for.

***
For lazibones, I recommend setting up a workout area that is close to or fully dedcated to fitness equipment in your apartment/house. Of course, you must adapt your approach to yourself; for example, if you're only interested in working out while at a gym/fitness center, then a home gym may not be worthwhile for you.

For me, it is important that I minimize the obstacles I face between my desire to work out and my ability to work out. Not all parts of the house are suited for setting up a bench and using weights and I'd rather not add mental stress and frustration to the pains of exercise. This can be difficult at times because I live with other people and must take them into concern when setting out to exercise. This is why I must take advantage of the current days/weeks/months when both of my parents are abroad and I gain that much more authority and freedom within the house.

Current efforts toward fitness

I started my latest effort toward fitness two weeks ago. I had taken over my father's office and converted into my new bedroom. About a third of my bedroom is dedicated to the family treadmill. With the extraordinary convenience of having it in my room, I began using it every morning prior to taking the day's shower. Thanks to the calorie monitor, I aimed at burning 250 kcal each morning so that I would add a pound of fat's worth of calories (3,500 kcal) to my calorie deficit every two weeks (with the potential to increase my daily goal over time to burn more, quicker).

After a week of dedication on my part, the treadmill stopped working properly. The belt stops once weight is put on it, such as standing on it. Once it has started going it will arbitrarily stop in response to weight, throwing me off-balance. While this is mostly a nuisance at two to three miles per hour, it is potentially hazardous at six mph. Searches online suggest that either the belt needs tightening or the motor might need to be replaced (which isn't feasible for a treadmill that's no longer produced from what I gathered).

After much cursing and bemoaning cruel fate in response to this problem of luxury (luksusproblem), I moved on to weight training and using the treadmill without power. Without power, the treadmill becomes a pushing exercise machine where I push against the handles while walking. This provides a surprisingly intense calf and cardiovascular workout, with five minutes of it wearing me out far more than a thirty minutes on a powered treadmill (I went for six minutes last time and lay down on my bed afterward for fear of fainting due to shortness of breath). I just had a new idea: pulling on the handles while walking backwards to provide a pulling exercise. If nothing else, it will prepare me for building a pyramid in the Post-apocalyptic period.

It's score one for environmentalism: treadmills are more efficient without electrical power.

With regard to weightlifting, I was recently fortunate enough to receive a foldable incline/decline bench from a friend who had stopped using it. I store it right up to the treadmill (which is also foldable) and have enough space in my room to use it for most exercises (with the notable exception of dumbbell flys, which require too great a wingspan and must therefore be done in the hallway).

I am not following a particular program. Instead, I rely primarily on what exercises I am familiar with and aim at targeting most of the major muscles; for the muscles I fail to target with what I previously know, I pick individual exercises that are convenient and easy to learn from books I have. I work out with a basic structure of three sets of ten repetitions at the same weight for each set (though not the same weight for each exercise; my weak points, such as lateral and front raises and forearm curls, require lighter weights).

I still hate, hate, hate using a chin-up bar. I am considering padding it to stop it from being so torturous against my delicate palms.

I also supplement my weight training and cardio madness with strikes and kicks from Jigoro Kano's Kodokan Judo. To combat soreness, I take a whey shake and a creatine shake each day. I still detest the taste of whey, though near-daily use of it has inured me to its taste (my creatine supplement tastes like Kool-Aid with grit).

Contrary to popular hype, my exercising does not leave me invigorated. I have much less energy throughout the day due to my expenditure when I exercise and my residual soreness in the days after exercise. Maybe, in the long-term, I will experience a net gain in my sense of my daily energy (I started feeling some giddiness earlier today). It will be interesting to see and experience this down the line.

It's getting late here, so I will end it on that note. This still leaves my thoughts on how I am going against the grain for my own goals as well as my ideas for how other over-thinkers and lazibones can get on with their own systems of exercise in spite of themselves. It will have to be next time.

Adding fitness in my life

I've had an on/off relationship with fitness for the last nine years of my life, where I either have some form of fitness/exercise program going on or I don't and wish I did. The first real effort I put into exercise was occasionally going to the gym with mother and brother on Key Biscayne, followed by enrolling in judo classes at the university in the Autumn of 2002. At the time I was eighteen or nineteen years old. I suspect that the major catalyst for my sudden interest for fitness was my coming to terms with myself as a gay man and recognizing that my interests in the male body (those of others as well as my own) were healthy and worthwhile. I no longer had to agonize over my enjoyment of it and could instead embrace it, figuratively and literally.

Prior to this, I had an active disinterest in sports. I was determined to not like them, partly due to childish arrogance, a much greater interest for creative and imaginative hobbies (including video and computer games), and a sense of disappointment with my father's failed efforts to engage my brother and myself in sports (failed due to his mercurial manic-depression, where he'd initiate a sports project and then withdraw from it). I enjoyed semi-sports with friends (playing for the social and gaming aspects rather than athleticism), but I did not have the drive or desire to join a children's sports team. I also enjoyed playing sports digitally, whether it was baseball, soccer, or tennis. Digital sports have a significant advantage over real-life sports in having everything ready for you at the push of a button. At no point did I have to look for the necessary equipment, check whether the equipment needed maintenance, get ahold of friends, and get myself somewhere else to play the particular sport (all of which also depends on how fair the weather is at the time); everything was conveniently available to me in box that required little maintenance, little space, and few weather-related limits (the one limit being lightning storms).

It didn't help that some of my physical education teachers were distant (or at least seemed like they were in my hindsight). From what I recall, I believe their focus was on the students who were already good at athletics rather than getting the group as a whole or on improving the weaker elements. Of course, this may just be a self-serving hindsight narrative that I am unable to disregard due to a lack of specific, positive memories in relation to gym class.

This speaks in part to my goals with fitness. With the exception of hypothetical emergency or apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic situations, I care little about my athleticism and how fast I run some specified distance. For me fitness is about looks, about vanity, and the desire to "feel like a million bucks" (a phrase that sounds awfully prostitutional in this context). Bodybuilding holds little appeal to what I want out of my life and my self-image does not yet require or care for achievements of the "I've run a marathon" / "I've done a triathlon" type. I just want to look better, to achieve the kind of appearance that brings positivity to a room (and that makes hooking up more mutually enjoyable, at least so far as feeling I'm contributing to the overall sexiness).

However, vanity is still fairly low on the totem pole of my priorities and does not take precedence over such things as reading and enjoying cake. I will add fitness to my life, but I will not live a life of fitness. I will enjoy chocolate, cake, rice pudding, ice-cream, carb-laden foods, and more. Flavours and tastes, both savory and sweet, are (to me) part of the point of being a living, sensing being. To discard them without due cause is to waste part of what life offers us.

This doesn't mean that all calories are equal in this matter. Part of my recent thoughts on the matter include the idea that "I won't count my calories; I will make my calories count!" Not all sugary treats are worth the indulgence (depending on an individual's tastes and preferences) and eating sweets is not an end in itself; the end is to enjoy life's offerings.

I think I'll wrap this up on that note. I initially intended to write about my current efforts at adding fitness in my life, my encounters with my addiction to convenience and how it conflicts with much available fitness material, and how to just get on with exercising. That will have to wait until the next entry.

Self-judgment

Part of the problem of establishing and maintaining a regular blog is having something one feels is worth writing about. If you don't feel it on your own, it can be difficult coming up with something. It's a mental block; creativity blocked by an lacking sense of worthwhileness. You stare at the blank body of would-be text and judge yourself or your ideas to be inadequate, unworthy of the attentions of others; you pre-judge others, preempting their input on what they will and will not find worthy of their time.

My current "let me blog before I go to bed" tendency is a passive way of ending my interest to blog before I've started. I'll have to fix this.

Thoughts on maturity

Twelves years ago, during a Social studies class, my (substitute) teacher said something that astonished me. The teacher, a grown woman in either her late thirties or forties, claimed that it was not possible to assassinate King Harald of Norway. She claimed this with sincerity and conviction, to my utter astonishment. It was no simple lie or trick to provoke critical thought; she seriously believed that no one would be able to kill the Norwegian head of state.

Rarely can I recall a moment where I have had any residual respect for an authority figure evaporate that quickly. At once, I asked myself, "What the Hell is she doing as a Social studies teacher?", followed up by disbelief that the person before me was the adult her age would suggest. Previously, her demeanor, arrogance, and apparent lack of intellectual breadth had reduced my recognition of her, but this singular moment was a catalyst, a wake-up call to the possibility of a lacking correlation between age and wisdom/maturity/recognition of reality in some humans. It is to me the most memorable moment of my ungdomsskole (junior high/middle school) years.

A specific lesson from this is that there is a point or should be a point in life where you shed yourself of such childish notions that any singular person is immune to the (possibly arbitrary) homicidal or otherwise violent inclinations of others.

A more general lesson from this is to be aware and wary that otherwise seemingly adult persons may cling to childish or immature notions, notions that compromise their ability to deal with and respond to our shared (material) reality. There is a reality we take part in, a reality that neither respects nor cares about whatever dogma we may be tempted to ascribe onto it (whether religious, political, or philosophical). Maturity is the measurement of well we deal and engage with our shared reality.